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Thursday, April 24th, 2008
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It seems in the last year that we have all been doing a lot of growing up. At times I have felt nervous and a bit scared to be honest. I felt like life was going full speed without any sort of control over it. My hands felt tied and I wanted to lock myself in my room until it was over.
Then I realized it would never be over. As my friends and I have moved into our late twenties (and YES, we are in are going into our late twenties folks! I will be 28 this year!) things are changing at such a rapid rate in everyone's lives that sometimes I feel like I am being left behind. Then I remember to smack myself to realize that I have been changing too. It just seems that I have been hearing the words babies, marriage and divorce frequently lately and I can't imagine myself having any of the three. To be honest, all three scare the shit out of me at this point in my life. I am only now realizing what it is that I want to do with my life as far as a career goes. I wouldn't classify myself as a late bloomer but I have no desire to rush into other parts of my life before I feel stable enough as an individual.
When I turned 24, I was miserable, lost and running away from anything that remotely resembled real life. I found myself staying in the small town of Telluride just hoping that it would in some way open my heart, change my life and help me to heal. What was suppose to be a four month adventure, has quickly turned into three and a half years. It's funny because I remember laughing at the people who told me it would suck me in and I wouldn't leave. I figured I had more will power than that, but I didn't. When the first winter was over, I still had nowhere to go and in my opinion nothing to return to in Washington. Not that I didn't miss my friends terribly but I didn't want to return to just complain about how miserable my life was. At least in Telluride it was an exciting ride you get on and stay on because there is no reason to get off....So there I stayed.
I have had so many amazing people come in and out of my life while living there that sometimes I forget what it really feels like to be connected deeply to people. When I come back here to Seattle, I do feel that connection. It never goes away, no matter how long I stay gone. We laugh about the stupid stuff we did when we were freshmen in college and the years after. They remember things about me that I haven't thought about in years and I in turn remember things they have done. We laugh sometimes to the point of tears and it seems like all that anxiety I feel goes right out the door. But then I get restless to go home to Colorado, because when I am in Colorado I just feel like I am home. Living there has given me so many opportunities, and I am so grateful for the life I have there. When I look out my window and see those jagged mountains right before my eyes....it truly does take my breath away.
My mom can't understand why I don't want to move back to the Northwest and it is difficult to explain it to her. I know my family misses me, but I love the sunshine and the temperate summers. I love that it doesn't rain fall, winter and spring there. I love the soft, dry powder and the amazing feeling of riding in it. You very rarely get days like out in Washington like that. I hate being guilt tripped because I chose to move away, because I am the strongest and happiest I have ever been in my life living out there. But in order to stay living in places like Telluride, I need to get my butt back in school and on a career path. Something I never thought I would be doing to be honest.
When I got back from New Zealand, I wasn't sure how I would feel about returning to Telluride. I was excited and nervous to see everyone, but I started suffer anxiety shortly after I got back. I was so overwhelmed by everyone and everything. I felt myself wanting to run away....and run away quickly. I couldn't figure out why. I just felt depressed and anti-social. It was cold and dark again, snowing almost every week for two months and I just wanted to hide in my house all of the time. I stopped calling my friends to go out and basically spent two months watching movies and reading in a dazed haze when I wasn't at work. I would ignore my phone when it rang, always screening calls before I returned them. I hardly even saw my sister until last month and she lived only two blocks away.
I once again felt lost and alone. I didn't realize reverse culture shock would be so hard on me. I wanted to run away again and began to make plans to get out of Telluride as soon as possible. The anxiety was murder on my nerves, appetite and sleep habits. It was pissing me off! Because I am very rarely like this that I was getting more down on myself than I should have.
Then one day I realized I had to snap out of it and not let anymore of my life pass me by. I missed my friends and I had barely spoken to many of them all winter. I had just dropped the ball and it depressed me. So I took charge and started making efforts. Thankfully I hadn't burned any bridges and I felt relieved.
So I am back up on the horse, trotting full speed ahead and grateful to have the people in my life that I do. I know that I can't always keep up but my friends are always there when I need them. I think they know they can counton me as well. If I hadn't locked myself away for these last months, perhaps I wouldn't have found my path to travel down. I am so excited for the next chapter, that I want to get right on it but I remember to tell myself to slow down and take everything one step at a time......
I am not getting old, I am just getting older.....We all do.
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Thursday, March 9th, 2006
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I haven't written in this journal in a really long time and perhaps it might be time to get back into doing it. I think outpouring everything that is going on in my life might be good for myself. A lot of this and that has been running through my mind and I'm not sure where to go with it. It's weird that I'm working on my second year in Telluride, sometimes I can't believe I have lived out here that long. Then I remember, I won't have been home in a year when I get back there this April. I haven't been home to Colville in two and a half years and I'm actually excited about the possibility of seeing many old friends when I do. I'm looking forward to reading a lot, sitting around helping my mom out with the gardening or something. But yeah...With the myspace craze, I don't get on here very often since most of the people I know are on MySpace these days.
Well I was writing to say hello to anyone who I haven't talked to in a long time! I love ya'll still!
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Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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So I was looking at this thing I have framed in my room which says, "Love understands and therefore waits.." All I could think was that the person who does all the waiting is the one who gets burned in the end. I've been hurt before and I've gotten my heart broken.....BUT NOTHING has hurt as badly as this one did. I never went looking for love, and I don't think it intended to come to me again so soon after Chris...but it happened, somewhere in the frustration and the annoyances of the relationship I developed with Mario, something really amazing happened....we found something we hadn't been looking for. And what an unfortunate person to love in the end...because from the beginning there was no way I wasn't going to get hurt. I was going to get burned like hell and I knew it.....but for some reason, I just couldn't resist. Something really struck me and I had never felt so wonderful being with someone. No one had ever made me feel more like myself or more free to be who I was. I didn't have to play up to him and pretend to be things I wasn't....He accepted me for me....silly quirks and all. We laughed and understood one another in a weird way. Sometimes we didn't even have to say anything and it was great.
It was always this way...I look back on a serious of varying frustrations and thinking "Abra, walk away!".....I COULDN'T! I honestly couldn't do it. We split up for like five days months ago and I was miserable. All I wanted to do was call him up when something funny happened to hear him laugh with me. I wanted to avoid the inevitable...that he was far to selfish to really love someone like they should be loved. Too selfish to understand a real meaning of love, because in the relationship, all he saw was himself and all I saw was him. I allowed myself to blinded because I had found what I was looking for in him...at least what I was looking for right now.
I wanted someone wild, adventurous, happy and he excited me. I got butterflies in my stomach and that giddy feeling when I would see he had called. He brought me to a place I desparately needed to be...which was out of that horrible relationship with Chris and into something far less complex.
Until he changed, and he decided he wanted to be with me more seriously. And then he walked....and it fucking hurt. I can't blame myself, for there is nothing to blame myself for. I never changed, I was always consistent in my actions and feelings toward him...and then...poof...360 degree flip in attitude on his part.
And yet....here I sit, feeling utterly alone in my hurt and wondering why I always love those who can't see. He is so afraid that someone might fuck up his two year long plans, and too afraid to trust that something good could come from loving someone...and wanting to be with someone.
I have felt sick to my stomach the last few days over this....sick that I can't do anything about it, sick that the last thing I want to do is move on...sick that the last thing I want to do is get over him...and sick that no matter what I feel or want...it doesn't matter, because I HAVE to get over it and I HAVE to move on in order to live healthy and sane.
And I am disgusted....it feels wrong.
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I am...I truly think I am a glutton for agony, complication and the absolute necessity for a relationship to some how be complicated...like dating someone when I knew I was leaving in a year, dating someone who lived far away, dating a military man...and NOW dating someone when I knew it couldn't possibly go anywhere from the beginning. Is there a particular reason I think it's fun to date these types of people? Sure, it's always challenging that's for sure and for the most part these types tend to surprise me the most. They're my type of "bad" boy since I don't generally date typical assholes (I tend to find them a little...well, mentally insufficient).
So, seven months and some odd days later...here I am looking down the barrel of a loaded gun of a relationship knowing damn well that in two weeks I'll be heartbroken, frustrated and hurt that this seemingly great relationship had to end. BUT, I KNEW THIS FROM THE BEGINNING! This is what concerns me. As most of you know, this is not a new phenomenon. I can't just have an easy relationship. Some would argue that a relationship doesn't have to be easy...these people have obviously never met a couple who DO have an easy relationship.
I have met one such couple and while they may be the only people alive to actually find their soul-mate...I believe it is their attitudes which make the relationship easy. While finding common ground is essential, and attraction equally as important, we too often date the wrong type of people while we look for the right type. When that right type of person comes along....WE KNOW.
I have known for a long time what I have been looking for and when I seem to find exactly that, it's torn away by some cruel twist of fate (and if I believed in fate, I would blame the stars, the heavens and even a god if I had one) Here is what I look for....It is someone I can laugh with, someone who allows me to be myself, no matter what, someone who will tell me I'm full of shit with a smile, a person who appreciates my stupidity without condoning it, someone who can take me into their arms and just love me without having to say it. I tend to be the type of person who expresses themselves through actions rather than words. A well tuned person could read my entire mood by watching my body language. I tend to be klutzy in general, but definitely when it comes to expressing myself verbally.
Yet, most of the time, I try to protect myself and keep a lot locked inside, only revealing what I feel is necessary. This is how I have always been, but it was far worse when I was younger. Over time, confidence has given me new ways to ask for what I want, but unless I know I'm going to get it, I generally don't bother. Does that make me too careful? Am I not willing to take a chance with my feelings?
Maybe this is why I doom my relationships to automatic failure...it's easier that way. This way I always know what's coming eventually and people never disappoint me. Yet, when they do something amazing, miraculous even, I feel a sense of being overjoyed...though I often have a hard time expressing this as well. I just don't get excited. When I say "excited" I mean I don't squeal when I open presents, I don't jump around when I get something I've really wanted, I just....well, exist in quite gratitude, which is often mistaken as being ungrateful.
So where does this leave me...how the hell should I know...let bygones be bygones...I'll move on, just like I always do.
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So I haven't written in a long time..go figure. I almost never write and when I do it is usually after a long period of time and then I always say.."I haven't written in a long time.." So no more..I pledge to not start any of my journal entries with that statement again. Anyway...
Life is...well moving right along as always. I constantly battle with my future plans and what it is that I intend on doing. It is so easy for me to become insanely passionate about one thing and then lose interest in it a couple of months later. I must be the most infuriating person alive...I can never make up my mind, and when I do...I just think it's what I want to do. I need to buckle down, make some decisions and follow through...
So I intend on starting small...by finishing the pile of damn books that I've started, reads bits and peices of and then put down again. I WILL NOT PICK UP A NEW BOOK UNTIL I FINISH THE ONES I HAVE!
I SWEAR!
Outside of all of this...nothing is really new. I work, I take a couple of classes and I continue to get myself into interesting dating situations (none which need further explanation..)
But what would my life be like without the ordinary...extraordinary...and those things which make me want to pull my hair out?
Hella fucking boring that's what..
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Sunday, November 9th, 2003
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Do you know how long it has been since I last posted? So long I had forgot what my username and password were. Please don't ask me how I did that, it just happened. So life has changed dramatically....I'm not with Chris anymore...and that's probably the biggest thing...
It is hard to be out in the dating world again...it's intimidating for me because I am not sure of boundaries when meeting someone new. It has been so long since I've been interested in anyone else besides Chris that I don't even really know how to act correctly. It's like a weird little game I continue to play with myself, always questioning EVERYTHING as being right or wrong. I don't even really know how to make a move on someone anymore! Why am I even looking? Well, the truth is, I'm not. But the idea of being out there again scares me somewhat. While I am young and I will bounce back, I still get that sad feeling that I will never find someone to love me like that again...I know, this is ridiculous, but sometimes we cannot stop what goes through our heads. It tends to be a constant battle in my head, what the hell do I do when I find someone I like??? What is too much, how do I read someone else? Will it be easy to find out who they are or will it be a constant battle like it was with Chris. What I really want to find is someone who I can have fun with, that I never really get tired of hanging out with...but without all the drama. I've been in a relationship for a long time, a really hard one...one I never thought I wanted to end...but things change and people change. We're not headed the same way...but who is headed my way? AND WHAT THE HELL IS MY WAY ANYWAY?!?! I guess my way is someone to make me laugh, to make me smile, to be there to offer an ear or to give a hug, who knows maybe a bunch of kisses too, someone to trust...and something quite less serious than what I had been doing. Is this something that is even possible? I think back on a past relationship that was really good, where nothing was complicated..feelings were simple and we enjoyed spending time together...even a lot of it. We were never bored and we always had something to say to one another...yet, we had our own interests...and you know..it really was THAT SIMPLE. But perhaps that was a naive time in my life..but I say what the hell..give it back! Because that is what I want right now...SIMPLICITY....but give me the strength to keep it that way too.
It's been three weeks since I broke up with Chris and it has finally really sunk in. I have ups and downs, but I do know it was the right thing to do. I was not happy and it was a constant battle. We just were not at the right places in our lives to be together. I couldn't follow him around and I wanted different things for myself. I worked too hard in life to give up on my dreams and the things I always intended on doing. Being with Chris would hold me back right now because I would have spent all my time trying to make our relationship work, by moving near him, moving with him, going wherever he went...and I wasn't ready to committ to that. It was all wrong for me....but I miss him all the same...
Everyone loses when a relationship ends....
But in time we find ourselves again, stronger, smarter and ready to move on...
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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
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I find myself..well, needing the comfort of this journal all of the sudden. Mostly just needing somewhere to put down my thoughts and feelings, when I don't know where else to go. Mostly because the person I need to share them with...I can't because of his circumstances. If I were to write Chris at boot camp and tell him how I am feeling right now, I would suffer from guilt that my letters might possibily bring him down.
Right now, I feel the most overwhelming feelings I've ever felt..where my heart battles with what it feels and what I believe to be true, and right in my life...No matter how hard I try, this never sits well with me. The idea of Chris devoting his life to something I can't agree with EVER, makes me sick to my stomach. I haven't really been able to eat the last two days. For some reason it didn't hit hard until Friday night..and then I don't know...it began to sink in that he was really gone...and he was really doing something that goes against most things I believe.
and I HATE IT....
I will not lie or pretend that I think the military is the answer..I will not lie and think it does lots of people good...It might straighten out a few people..but at what cost. How many lemmings do we need running around this earth anyway? How many people have I met who have no sense of themselves, or what they believe..but believe only what they are told...The greatest fear I have going into this is...that the Chris I love and the Chris I want to be with will somehow disappear into the mist of marching, orders, and "YES SIR!" I don't want us to lose what we just got...we've finally built up a relationship that is trusting, loving and open...and now this shit...and let me repeat..I HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT!
Perhaps I am being stubborn, unsupportive and childish...but when I think about boot camp, and I think about the military..I get gut wretching feelings of disgust, saddness and I feel angry.
What about human decency and what about compassion and love for your neighbors...how many of these things does the military strive to unlearn...to make us into the strongest, most powerful killing machines that we can be....
Look at the situation in the world today? WHY, as a civilized country, are we allowing this to happen and why do we allow our children to go? And then I wonder..
Am I just too smart, too aware and too educated to be in this relationship??...Yet, torn because no one makes me feel the way he does when I'm with him...but in all truth...is it enough to love someone who cares very little about the things that make you tick, the things you want to fight for...and the things that are important...or is mediocrity just good enough for him?
To live in ignorance would only be the most blissful thing ever!
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Thursday, June 26th, 2003
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I haven't written in this journal in such a long time, I almost feel guilty about it. Not that it really matters since I doubt most people read this anymore anyway. Life has been up and down the last few months, but for the most part it is on the upshift. I am currently in my last 9 credits at Western Washington University...GO ME! I will graduate on August 23rd, 2003. How is that for craziness? I am not sure what I feel about that yet or what exactly I will do after it is all over. I intend on staying here in Bellingham for at least one year and then who knows...going off into the world and making my mark I suppose. It seems so strange to think that four years are over and some of my friends are moving away and on with their lives.
I have been feeling more excited about starting this new chapter of my life, because the world is my endless playground...but at the same time it's imtimdating and I feel scared when I think about it. The "real" world is looming out there and I want so much to find a place in it...but at 22, I have no idea where life will take me and perhaps that is what is so beautiful about it.
Uncertainty is unsettling...but exciting...
it's weird to think that within the next three years I could be married and could be living somewhere else....and could be this and could be that.
My relationship with Chris has taken some good turns towards the positive. Though we are not together officially again, we are talking a lot and working through a lot of things. I feel in my heart that he is the right person for me to spend my life with, but it's so hard being apart from one another. I am glad he wants to do something with his life by joining the Air Force, but I also know I need to take these next couple of years to take care of the things I need to get done as well...I want to go to Thailand and live in a big city like LA, Chicago or New York...There are just some things I've always wanted to do that if I give them up to follow him around the next four years I will regret not doing them in my younger years. Eventually though, I do think he's the person I would like to be with. He makes me feel secure and happy...we're just too young to be ready for what that means.
So no wedding bells in the near future...but I'm glad to have met someone as amazing as he is while I was away in Louisiana...the irony of it is almost too much. :)
I guess I don't have a lot else to say..my life is far less interesting the last year than it was last year...I guess I am just gettin' old.
Peace.
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Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
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Thursday, March 27th, 2003
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In a series of life changing events...I've come to realize a lot of things. One, I don't write in this journal enough and I think I really need to get into the habit of doing it more. It always feels good to let out a few thoughts and feelings, even if no one is reading them...perhaps no one should be reading them in the first place. It really seems my life has taken a few turns I didn't forsee...or perhaps I really did see them.
I moved into my new house and I'm really enjoying it, but at the same time it feels weird. I have become so accustomed to not living with people that it is a little hard for me to feel totally social. Does that make any sense? Well, even if it doesn't...I'm working on it.
Secondly, I broke up with Chris and it was a hard thing to do. I really feel like I wasn't able to explain my reasoning to him without looking like I was really giving up...I suppose I am. I just think I have put my heart out there one too many times, put up with a lot of things I probably shouldn't have and just when he's realizing he's coming around....I realize I am drifting away. It is not that I don't care about him deeply, it is just that our lives aren't on the same paths. I look down into the future and I don't see myself the girlfriend of someone in the military. I just can't do it...it goes against many of the things I believe in and the things I stand for. He's so much better off with someone who can understand and support him 100% in this. I would much rather be his friend. He's not ready to marry me and I don't think I am ready to get married either...which is what our relationship would inevitably come to...or we'd have to break up. I just don't feel we're connected enough to get through this and that he's never taken the time to fully understand me...or even really cared....because to be frank, he can only see his wants and his needs. There would have been no compromise in our relationship and far too much doubt for me...and I guess it just took someone from the past to really make that clear for me.
While I am hurt...and while I do feel sad at times...I truly feel this is right for the both of us. This relationship was becoming too stressful on me, I would find myself crying in the shower or right after I got off the phone with him. I'd find myself not wanting to do as many things and feeling unmotivated...I just think I need right now to finish school, concentrate on the end that is really in my sight now...just one quarter left possibly, which freaks me out all on it's own...I need time to give to my friends and to my family, people who have supported me through so much...and I need time to feel alive...and it hurts to admit..I haven't felt alive in a very long time. I need to experience things...and perhaps even other people. And I truly believe that if people are meant to be together, they eventually do find one another again...some feelings may die, but the truest and strongest ones don't....
I'm just glad someone helped me to see the light and realize there is no room for doubt in love...you have to be 100% strong and I am not right now....I guess I just didn't get enough in the beginning and waited until I figured he'd see the light..that I was worth fighting for...that I was worth something...but I guess it all came too late, because I feel completely desensitized at the moment....
And I feel almost empty....
BUT...I feel stronger than I have in a long time....and I truly believe in myself and my decisions.
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Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
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Ever taken a walk down memory lane and wondered why you got to where you are? Ever taken a step back and evaluated a certain situation in your life and wondered..."what if things had just been different?"
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Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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Tomorrow I fly off to Mardi Gras! Whoohoooo! It's finally here again!
I'll be thinking of ya'll!
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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
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Tonight was my friend Matt's 21st birthday, so we went to Rumors.....and it was fun....but it ended...well it ended...rather interestingly....
I'm not really sure what I want to say about that at the moment....I think I am still trying to digest it....
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Monday, February 3rd, 2003
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So tonight, I was looking around for the perfect virtual greeting to send Chris and I'm not really sure how I found it...but I found this site.
www.strip-a-gram.com
Needless to say, the set was quite entertaining to me...but the free grams were just not interesting enough to send to him, so I actually paid the $3.95 and bought him an X-rated strip-a-gram...
Now...here is what is interesting...and it got me to thinking..
The women strippers had three stages they could go to...either just down to the panties, nude, or X-rated....
While the men on the other hand only were available in G-string and Nude
I mean....I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that gendered shit exists on porn pages with strip-a-grams...I am not exactly supporting those radical feminists by supporting something like that...but whatever...I don't believe in that sort of feminism anyway...I think it's exclusive...
Anyway....I suppose we wouldn't really want to see X-rated male strippers playing with their balls, or spreading their ass cheeks wide open so we can see all the hair in it or something....But seriously...They could have picked sexier guys too.
But not too much can be said for their women either...
It's just amazing that once you start to notice gender differences...you see them everywhere...even in the most minute thing...
Anyway....That was my little rant for the evening...
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Saturday, February 1st, 2003
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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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So yeah, I've been neglecting my livejournal quite a bit these last couple of weeks. For the most part, I've just been at a loss of what to say. Nothing that exciting has happened to me recently, so I guess I just didn't want to bore anyone with the "lavish" details of my life. I would say that mostly I just go to class, go to work sometimes and kick it a lot lately.
Like I said....very uninteresting....
On a bright note, I leave for Louisiana tonight and I am really looking forward to the four day break that it's giving me. Anyway...toodles to all of you I suppose...
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Wednesday, January 15th, 2003
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Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
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Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
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missabra's journal
depressed.
curious.
ecstatic.